It has finally arrived. That presumptuous ‘when’.
The sun is here, and I’m cradling a mug of comfort coffee. It streams in amply through the glass like a photon wall. I can turn towards it to let it hit my face, eyes closed on an inhale. The sun’s rays must dance its way across broad waters to reach me here, and I have learned that in a few hours when it sits close to its highest point in the sky, the glimmer of sunlight on waves become iridescent, a maddening fracas, more precious than any mined jewel. I’m usually not free in the middle of the day to observe the sun, but my routine has changed now. And so have my surroundings.
Less than a week ago, I would wait for the sun in a different room. There was water close by, too, but it was a serene pool for exercise and reflection – not a wharf whipped up in morning kayaking, from within which gargantuan fish were caught and transferred to land by cranes. Near the gossamer curtains, I had placed 2 large suitcases with their tops flung open, each for a different continent, each to be claimed at different times. They were ready to receive season-appropriate items, as well as the tiny tumbling of little wasps from the mysterious congregation than began a few mornings prior. My mom would make inspection of the contents of the bags, drop a suggestion or two, and sometimes returned with the physical edition of those suggestions. In that special way that moms do, she laments my going away and gives her blessing at the same time. There was so much to do, so many hugs and cuddles to take advantage of. We booked our cutest family member, Yama Pot, for a day, and took her on a romp at the Zoo. I hope she doesn’t forget her Yek Yong.
Soon I was on an all day flight, going further and further south. There goes the status quo. Now is change, change, change, and we pray, for the better.
Yes, there were many beautiful events last year. My gratitude abounds. But at a glance, the main bulk of the itinerary was taken up by something that became an unhappy ordeal. After a while, it became evident that it was taking away the things that I couldn’t afford to do without; and ironically, it wasn’t even worth it. I was involuting, and didn’t have a good reason to do so. So I gave it a deadline – an exam that I prepared for with my friends as if it mattered to me, when it didn’t. It mattered of course, for completeness. For the fact that knowledge conquers all fear. If I were to pass this exam, I would be allowed to advance in the bittersweet system I had sought entrance to a year ago. And I would decline.
The deadline has passed. And now it’s open seas. By way of explanation or justification for this stew of words I’m pledging myself to providing, here it is. The Captain’s log.
Oh my Lord! Open for me my chest, and make easy for me my task, and make loose the knot from my tongue so that they may understand my speech.